Squat Nazi
by Poliahu
Summary: Squat: That thing you do when you lift weights with a bar on your back. Nazi: obsessive, over-bearing, freak, who has to have everything done perfectly their way. What happens when Vegeta becomes Bulma's personal trainer?


Disclaimer: Does anybody actually care about this thing?  
  
  
  
Vegeta watched through the window of the gravity chamber as the truck backed up to the door of Capsule Corp. Soon many men were struggling to get large boxes onto the lawn. After each box was on the ground they stood up with their hands on their backs and wiped the sweat from their brows. He exited the chamber as the trucks pulled off.  
  
Bulma smiled as he approached her. "You're just in time."  
  
"In time for what?"  
  
"In time to move these into the house for me."  
  
"What is all this crap?"  
  
"It's not crap. It's training equipment."  
  
"I don't need any equipment."  
  
"It's not for you, stupid." She said rolling her eyes. "It's for me." Vegeta's jaw dropped to the ground and Bulma cracked up at the look of utter shock on his face. He quickly regained his composure and straightened his back to its normal, princely arc.  
  
"You've got to be kidding. I'll give you ten minutes before I have to come in and rescue you from falling weights. I bet you couldn't squat 40 pounds." He laughed to himself as he pictured the bar falling on her while she bench pressed.  
  
"For your information the plates are all in kilos. And it's not like I'll be going in there and just doing stuff. I've already hired a trainer."  
  
"This is rich. Hit me, I'm dreaming." He continued giggling like a school girl but quickly stopped when he felt her sock him on the arm. He looked at her thoughtfully for a few moments then a smirk crept across his face. "Screw the trainer, if anybody is going to be your lifting coach, it should be me."  
  
Now it was Bulma's turn to have the stupid look of utter shock grace her face. "No way, Vegeta! I know you; you'll take every opportunity to make fun of me."  
  
"Well, I guess you and your trainer will just have to move all this equipment by yourselves."  
  
"Fine! Just move this stuff into the new weightlifting room." He smiled at her and began moving boxes into the house.  
  
The next morning.  
  
Bulma lay dead asleep, exhausted from putting all of the equipment together the night before. Vegeta on the other hand was wide awake and stood with his arms crossed and foot tapping, waiting for her to wake up. He was sick of waiting for her. He walked to her side of the bed and brought his face within inches of hers.  
  
"WAKE UP!" He yelled at the top of his lungs. Bulma sat up with a start and banged foreheads with her husband, sending her falling on her back while he stumbled backwards and tripped over a pair of shoes.  
  
"Hahaha.ow." Bulma said, holding her forehead. "Vegeta." she pleaded, ".it's five in the morning."  
  
"I know that, get up, it's time to lift."  
  
"But I only got to bed at one this morning. I'll be running on four hours of sleep."  
  
"I realize you've only gotten four hours of sleep. I can, in fact, tell time."  
  
"I never said you couldn't. Please, baby, just give me a couple more hours."  
  
"I'm not your baby. Now get up." He yanked the covers off of her and flipped on the light. She moaned and quickly put a pillow over her face.  
  
"Turn that thing off!" She said, irritated. He began tugging at the pillow while she held on as best as she could with sleep-numb fingers.  
  
"I will when you get your lard ass out of bed!"  
  
"Oh that is it!" She screamed and jumped out of bed, stripping herself of her nightgown and digging through the dresser for a bra and underwear.  
  
"Eww, I think I should have left the light off." He cringed. "Good idea getting this weight lifting stuff. I could be hypnotized by the undulating movement of your arm flab."  
  
"You bastard!" Bulma screeched. "You don't seem to care when we have sex!"  
  
"But the lights aren't on when we do that!"  
  
"Well I didn't decide to start lifting just because I felt that I needed to firm up a bit."  
  
"I'm sure it was a big reason, though."  
  
"Well, next time you can have two kids. Let's see how your body holds up. Besides, strength training increases bone density, thereby decreasing the chance of osteoporosis in women. Plus it increases muscle flexibility and stamina. I thought you would like that part." Vegeta scratched his chin and nodded in agreement.  
  
Bulma found a t-shirt and shorts and hastily pulled them on. She grabbed a pair of shoes and followed Vegeta to the new lifting room. Once in there she watched as Vegeta walked around inspecting the squat and dead lift platforms. He worked his way to the bench press bench and lifted the bar.  
  
"How much do these bars weigh?" He asked.  
  
"20 kilos." He set the bar down and looked at her questioningly. "About 44 pounds. One kilo is roughly two point two pounds."  
  
"Okay, are you stretched out?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Then stretch." She stretched her arms and legs then walked over to where he was standing, by the squat platform.  
  
"I'm ready, captain." She put her hand on the squat bar.  
  
"Is there a broom around here?" Bulma gave him a confused look.  
  
"Yeah, in the corner." Vegeta hopped off the platform and picked up the broom. He brought it back to her and broke off the head.  
  
"Hey, that's a new broom." He put the stick behind his head, on his shoulders.  
  
"Technique is everything. If you don't do it right you'll just get yourself hurt." He put his feet slightly wider than his hips with his toes pointed out. "When squatting you should have your body in this position: feet wider than hips, bar on your shoulders; not on your neck. For Dende's sake, what the hell are you doing?" He watched as she contorted her body in random poses.  
  
"Imitating you."  
  
"Well, stop. You look like an idiot."  
  
"If I look bad then you look worse."  
  
"Do you want me to show you how to do this or not?"  
  
"You're the one who wanted to train me. So don't act like I begged you. It was your idea." He rolled his eyes and pointed the stick at her.  
  
"Don't make me use this."  
  
"I dare you. Pansy."  
  
"What did you call me?" He reached out and smacked her on the arm with the stick. Well, he barely touched her, him being of superior strength and all.  
  
"Ouch! What did you hit me for? I never did anything to you." Tears started coming to her eyes as she rubbed her bicep. It didn't really hurt but it was the fact that he had hit her at all.  
  
"You called me a pansy! As far as I'm concerned you deserved it." She just pouted a little more and continued rubbing her arm. "Jeeze, will you forget about it. I didn't mean it." He frowned a bit. "I'll do that special thing you like, tonight." He cooed. "But only if you stop crying."  
  
"Really?" She sniffled a bit and wiped her eyes.  
  
"Yes, now," he set the broomstick on her shoulders and helped her place her hands on it, "if you keep your elbows up, there will be a natural shelf formed by your scapulas for the bar to sit on."  
  
"When do I get to use the real bar?"  
  
"When you have the technique right."  
  
"How long will this take?"  
  
"I don't know! It depends on how long it takes you to shut up and actually do it."  
  
"Jeeze, calm down." She shook her hair out of her face and quickly squatted down and came back up. "There I did it; now lets get started for real."  
  
"It would take me days to tell you everything you did wrong. First of all you need to keep your back arched and your chest up. Pick a point where the wall and the ceiling meet and look at that the whole time."  
  
"You just want me to stick my boobs out."  
  
"Why would I want that? It's not like I can't see them whenever I want. Not that I know why I would want to. I saw a 60 year old, the other day, with a firmer rack."  
  
"Did you stop to think that they could be fake?" She took the broomstick off her back and held it at her side.  
  
"What does it matter to me if they are real or not?" She bared her teeth and swung the stick at him. He caught it with ease and pulled it from her grip. "You're getting slow in your old age." He mocked.  
  
"Well I'd be a hell of a lot faster if you would stop teasing me and actually help!" She screamed. He rolled his eyes and handed back the stick. "Thank you." She said, ripping it from his hand.  
  
"Calm down, you're worse than a toddler." She clenched her jaw and gave him a look that would have frightened a lesser man. "Just remember to keep your chest and head up. And when you go down, don't let your legs break parallel. Parallel is when your thighs are parallel with the floor, hence being called parallel."  
  
"I know what parallel means, dammit! I wish you would stop being such a squat nazi and just help me out." She looked at the far wall and went down, careful not to break parallel.  
  
"What did you call me?"  
  
"I called you a squat nazi." She said, coming back up, keeping her back arched. "Squat, as in what I'm doing now. Nazi, as in obsessive, over- bearing, freak, who has to have everything done perfectly their way. Squat Nazi." He smiled at her.  
  
"Maybe anger is the right motivation for you."  
  
"Why?!" Her voice screeching.  
  
"Because you did it right. And for crying out loud, stop screaming, you sound like Kakarrot's whore!"  
  
"Woo! I did it right! In your face, Vegeta."  
  
"Whatever. Come do it with the bar."  
  
"Yes! I get to use the bar!"  
  
"The bar is nothing special."  
  
"Stop trying to degrade me. You'll ruin my mood."  
  
"Heaven forbid." He murmured sarcastically.  
  
"Alright, let's get this beast a-movin'." She hopped up to the bar.  
  
"Remember, chest up, back arched, and don't break parallel."  
  
"I got it." She stood up under the bar. "This is heavier than it looks."  
  
"In a month or so you won't even notice it." She went down and came back up. "Only nine more to go."  
  
"Only nine?"  
  
"Only nine. We're going to be doing sets of ten. Probably five sets."  
  
"Five sets?!"  
  
"Yes, now don't stall, finish this set." He crossed his arms and tapped his foot.  
  
"Screw this. I'm not doing five sets." She moved to rack the bar.  
  
"No you don't." he said and grabbed her shoulders "You're going to do this."  
  
"I can't do this, Vegeta."  
  
"Rack the bar." She did as she was told and waited for him to command her again. Instead he just walked up to her and rubbed her shoulders. "You can do it from here down." He tapped her neck just below her head and motioned to the rest of her body. He then put his hand on her head. "This is the only place you can't do it."  
  
"You're right." She said in a kind of awed voice, amazed that Vegeta had actually encouraged her. She unracked the bar and finished her first set.  
  
"Good, now put some of the small plates on." She did as she was told and began squatting her second set. "Wonderful, one more set."  
  
"What? You said five sets."  
  
"Five might be too many for the first day, we'll just do three. Go ahead and put the five kilo plates on each side."  
  
"This is 66 pounds. And you didn't think I could squat 40." Bulma said triumphantly.  
  
"I meant kilos."  
  
"No you didn't! I distinctly remember you saying pounds."  
  
"It doesn't matter, just finish this set." She positioned the bar on her back and stood up, pulling it from the rack. "Squat." He said.  
  
She took a deep breath and lowered herself, head and chest up. "Up." And she came up strongly. "One." She took another breath and went down. "Up." He said at parallel "Two." Down she went again "Three, four, five, chest up Bulma, six, seven, eight. Two more, make 'em strong. Nine, last one, right here." Bulma's legs were trembling; all she wanted was for it to be over. "Ten. Rack it."  
  
She got out from under the bar. "Blah, my legs feel like cinder blocks."  
  
"What are those?" She sniggered at his question.  
  
"Never mind." She walked around a bit, shaking her feet. "Yay! I'm finally done."  
  
"No you're not, you can do some sit ups on this physio ball." Vegeta stood holding the large blue ball.  
  
"Where did you get that thing?"  
  
"Internet, I actually got it a while ago. I was going to give it to you as a hint, but you seemed to decide yourself that you wanted to get fit again."  
  
"So you think I'm fat?!"  
  
"I didn't say that, I said you were unfit."  
  
"You also called me flabby this morning!"  
  
"No I didn't."  
  
"Yes you did, you said 'I could be hypnotized by the undulating movement of your arm flab'."  
  
"Well, umm, dammit. Be happy I'm nice enough to miss my training time to help you."  
  
"Vegeta, you dumb ass, it's only 6 a.m."  
  
"Oh, well. That's an hour I lost."  
  
"Whatever. Just remember that special thing I like tonight." With that she turned around and left the room, slamming the door.  
  
Vegeta scowled and threw the ball at the door as he turned around. The ball ricocheted off the handle and bounced onto the bench platform, knocking the bar off the bench racks. From there it bounced onto the plate tree, knocking the plates off their respective stands. The ball finally came to rest on the squat platform next to him.  
  
He turned around a cringed at the mess he had made. He could always blame it on Trunks or Bra when Bulma found out. He left the room from the other door and went to his training capsule where he spent the rest of the day.  
  
The blackness of night had blanketed the Capsule Corp. compound. He exited the gravity capsule and entered the house. The lights were all off and everybody was asleep. He went to his room, changed into a pair of boxers and into bed.  
  
"Did you think you could stay out there long enough for me to fall asleep and forget?" Bulma said from the darkness.  
  
"Yes." She turned on the bedside lamp and sat up.  
  
"Get out of bed and go do it." He rolled his eyes and got out of bed. Bulma smiled, rubbing her hands in expectation. After a few minutes Vegeta came out of the bathroom in a tight black Speedo, his skin shining from the sweet smelling oil he had rubbed himself down with.  
  
Grabbing a marker and a notepad, Bulma motioned for him to begin. He walked to the stereo and put in a CD. Soon "Take It Off" by The Donnas came out of the stereo. Vegeta quickly began posing in various positions that showed off all of his muscles. Pecs, traps, quads, biceps, triceps, calves, stomach, no muscle was left un-flexed.  
  
When the music stopped Bulma began writing on her notepad. When finished she held it up.  
  
"9.3?! That's all you gave me?"  
  
"You can get a perfect 10 if you come over here." She called him over with her finger.  
  
He smirked and strutted to the foot of the bed. He crawled up to her on his hands and knees. She smiled and leaned forward, kissing him hard on the lips, hands slipping easily over his oily body.  
  
"You're my favorite squat nazi." She said into his ear and turned out the light.  
  
The End.  
  
  
  
A/N: Amazing, simply amazing. I actually got a new fic up. Thank you, Thank you. No autographs. Oh, okay. I'll give you an autograph if you give me a review. You know, quid pro quo. 


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